I am determined to have a better week than last week. There are options out there, there is support out there and there are people out there who feel the same way as I do. To you, friends, I applaud you.
Sometimes I feel a little like I am faking this. It’s like I have this out of body experience where I think that surely I must be imagining this all and that I can’t possibly be part of this circle of women who have gone through untold pain and heartache, that I am the outsider looking in. I think this is because for the first 3 years of TTC I didn’t tell many people and brushed everything under the carpet, convinced that I was missing something, that I wasn’t having sex enough or at the wrong times. I was so determined not to be one of those desperate, frail women who define their lives according to their ability to breed (a seriously dogmatic, hardarse and arrogant approach). But after my appointment with the doc back in November there was no denying it anymore – there is a serious problem at play here (although who knows what!). And I think it has been hard to stare this pain right in the face and, well, feel it! So now I find myself tapping on the window of the circle of women who have been honest and straight about their journeys, begging to be let in.
Now there are plans to be made and things to focus on to start getting this ball rolling again. First is the drinking. I have thoughts of my liver being renewed and refreshed! I don’t feel different, healthier or on top of the world. But it must be having a positive effect on a smaller scale and any improvement is good. Then in March I have my first appointment with Vicky Hindmarch who is an acupuncturist who specialises in IF. Then the following month I will pluck up the courage to make certain calls to enquire about IVF through government hospitals. So that is the POA – good advice from the circle has been taken!
Until then I am blessed with a lovely husband, 2 gorgeous doggies (Daisy and Sushi) and a (slightly unpleasant) cat called Minksy. The house is sometimes so full and chaotic that who knows how a baby will fit in!