I am feeling really low at the moment. My grandmother’s funeral was tough but a good family time and everything regarding TTC finally got put on the back burner for a few days UNTIL I got my period. Yup, debilitating cramps and sleepless nights thrown in.
I was really hoping for my miracle this month. We did everything right and I thought maybe God was going to give something back after taking Nana away. Even W was hopeful – he kept asking me when my period was coming. Getting my period was a kick in the face but I had to put it out of my mind. I did the Eulogy at Nana’s memorial service. I was also worried about my mother and step-mother being in the same house for the first time since my wedding 6 years ago (another post for another day) But now that all that is over and we are back to real life I have to face the big black baby shaped hole in my life.
What is really getting to me today is that I have never had not one single BFP. I am not saying that infertiles that get BFPs and then miscarry are better off. The pain of MC must be way worse. But it makes me feel dead inside, abnormal, deformed, hopeless. And the fact that they can’t find anything wrong with me is even worse because maybe the problem is at a far deeper lever which no one will ever figure out or be able to pin point.
I am continuing with acupuncture but my heart isn’t in it. My friends don’t understand. My husband is…I don’t know, either too fragile or too distanced and these days when I bring up the subject I get eye rolls and sighs. The loneliness of all this is the worst.
Nothing interesting or insightful to say further. I thought blogging might help me today but I don’t think anything can.