My Busted Stork

The travails of an infertile…and no, I won’t just relax!

A day so low I can’t even think of a better title!

5 Comments

I am feeling really low at the moment. My grandmother’s funeral was tough but a good family time and everything regarding TTC finally got put on the back burner for a few days UNTIL I got my period. Yup, debilitating cramps and sleepless nights thrown in.

I was really hoping for my miracle this month. We did everything right and I thought maybe God was going to give something back after taking Nana away. Even W was hopeful – he kept asking me when my period was coming. Getting my period was a kick in the face but I had to put it out of my mind. I did the Eulogy at Nana’s memorial service. I was also worried about my mother and step-mother being in the same house for the first time since my wedding 6 years ago (another post for another day) But now that all that is over and we are back to real life I have to face the big black baby shaped hole in my life.

What is really getting to me today is that I have never had not one single BFP. I am not saying that infertiles that get BFPs and then miscarry are better off. The pain of MC must be way worse. But it makes me feel dead inside, abnormal, deformed, hopeless. And the fact that they can’t find anything wrong with me is even worse because maybe the problem is at a far deeper lever which no one will ever figure out or be able to pin point.

I am continuing with acupuncture but my heart isn’t in it. My friends don’t understand. My husband is…I don’t know, either too fragile or too distanced and these days when I bring up the subject I get eye rolls and sighs. The loneliness of all this is the worst.

Nothing interesting or insightful to say further. I thought blogging might help me today but I don’t think anything can.

 

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5 thoughts on “A day so low I can’t even think of a better title!

  1. The pain of never having a BFP is very real too. It makes you feel broken and like it’s never going to happen. Allow yourself to feel that because it’s totally valid.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a rough week. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

  2. hugs…
    I’ve never had a BFP either… the worst is when you get your period, you feel that failure, after the hope it is the worst.
    hugs

  3. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a terrible week. I’m so sorry about your grandma, I’m so sorry about the ill timing of your period (aren’t they all though?) and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so down right now. I know the feeling of feeling completely alone. I’ve pushed my husband to the point of eye rolling too. And when he didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t have anyone else that I could talk to who I thought would remotely understand. But you are absolutely doing the right thing. You have to be able to feel your way through your emotions in order to deal with them. You’ve got some women on here who can offer you complete understanding and who will be here to support you – only a few keystrokes away! Your husband will come back around. He’s just trying to find his own way through the disappointment. You’ll find your balance again. Love and hugs to you!!

  4. Thanks for all your support. Feeling the hugs. Need husband to put his irritation aside and just ‘get me’ for a while and then I should be OK.

  5. Ok so i’m a bit delayed in checking blogs but i hope you are feeling better already! Im really sorry about Nana (I called my granny Nana too) but Im sure she is happy and smiling down on you right now. And your hubby will come around – I know the black place you are in now – it will get better.

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