My posting has been delayed so I started writing this post a few days ago and thought I better finish my IVF stories first before I go ahead and post this one.
Monday was our scheduled test day – 9dp5dt
(It took me a while to discover what this means so thought I would share with you – 9 days post 5 day transfer. In IVF you will either do a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer. This is up to the doctor but my doc explained it to me that with older women or more complicated cases they will transfer the fertilised embryo 3 days after the eggs have been retrieved. So the embryo is around an 8 cell organism. With younger women or more straight forward cases they try grow the embryo to a full blastocyst in the lab before transfer – for some reason. A 2 week wait is always 14 days from egg retrieval (ER) but can be 9 days post a 5 day transfer too. Complicated much???)
W and I decided to do a POAS (Pee on a Stick) on Sunday (the day before) so that we could prepare ourselves for the results and deal with it on our own before hearing it from the doc over the phone. It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. I shook like a leaf as I waited for the bloody thing. And there staring up at both of us was one lonely little line. We couldn’t believe it. We had said all sorts of things to try and prepare ourselves. We had convinced ourselves that we knew it would be negative so that it wouldn’t affect us. But that was bullshit. When you sacrifice so much, when you put yourself on the line as much as you possibly can (financially, physically, emotionally) you feel like you deserve it to work no matter how you try and prepare yourself.
We then courted hope a little more as our old friend Google told us over and over again that home pregnancy tests are the scourge of the earth. So we waited for our blood test the next day. That too was negative and we had to finally admit defeat. That night I was woken with searing period pains and bleeding. Kick me while I am down.
It feels like a big wave is about to crash on my head and I don’t know how to prepare for it. I look back on the “before” and realise that even though I told myself I wasn’t I was still so hopeful. Now I don’t have much hope going forward. The frustrating thing is that everything went perfectly – there is nothing Doc can learn from the last round to make a difference in the future. He will probably do the same thing and we will be faced with the reality of going through this pain all over again. I really don’t know how I am going to endure more of it. I feel dead inside – like thee is nothing that is going to make me feel happy or excited again, least of all another IVF cycle. I am sure it will pass but how could I possibly get excited and hopeful again after all of this.
We are waiting a month before trying a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). In the last round we managed to freeze 4 blasts. So if they thaw then we will transfer them back and hope for the best.
I had all these plans for if it didn’t work – take up kickboxing, drink a lot of wine, paint my house. But how can you all of a sudden get so busy when you feel so flat? I battle to drag myself out of bed in the morning, let alone exercise. And I am comfort eating and putting on weight. Wine doesn’t even feel like the friend it used to be.
What worse is that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends. I just can’t face anyone’s pity, especially everyone with kids.
It’s Loeries weekend which are our Annual Advertising awards with loads of parties happening all weekend. Yay for me, that means stuffing my fat body into some cocktail dress and pasting a smile on my face. Got to play Executive Barbie!